golden dreamz :)

well ...latest to pop in into the lengthy list of somethings i want to do in my lifetime is GOLD :)
LISA RAY...a person i admire personally for her courage to fight the battle of life with cancer and emerge victorious has given a new ray :) her new show oh my gold...has got me hooked to my idiot box like never before...nt being too punctual in life otherwise i m right there 5 min before 9 pm to enjoy the spectacular exhibition of gold jewels :)
     something that makes me a pound more proud of being a part of this indian culture :) the wide range of talent and variety in the country's jewel range...
    coming to the ever climbing aim..i reallly want to be something earn something worthy to atleast :P buy a jewellery piece from each indian state :) its gonna be really challenging :) but yes it will surely happen i m hopefull :):)
 i hope the indian t.v industry learns something from these wordwide channels and produce stuff that can inspire us ...and showcase what india is really known for the culture ,the beauty..rather than mere topsiturned social spectacles..its depressing to see saas bahu's plotting and singers faking in the name of reality shows wen they can really go out and buy GOLD :p
wearing a golden spectacles ...until next time ...

shubhra :)

much said and done in this blog till date.......

  sometimes revising thru wat u wrote for a long while shudders u..wat all pessimism has floated in my posts...
anyways thru with the rough patch luking forwar to some great posts coming from me :)
going to make an effort to bring back th energy ...the spirit...
the positivity is here to stay ...
luking for a creative year ahead....
until next time...
beautiful me :)

is there still time ?

it was a day full of introspections..not that i don't indulge into them time and again but it was all together different today.....meant to be a fest to entertain otherwise boredom struck students,the literary fest pricked a dark corner of my psyche . as i watched my fellows creating ,innovating,writing,reciting,playing,displaying...i somewhere wondered if i had it in me to stand alongside and compete..

i had been a frontrunner in every challenge i have faced till date ..but today 's experience left me wondering that it was all facts that i left behind ...it was all facts in which i excelled....

i had never been an overconfident student but somewhere the truth was that a constant effort to stay humble through all those achievements left me underconfident..strange ...

yeah..i felt today wat i felt the day i decided to move out of my world of science into an unknown fascinating realm of literature..i always felt something out in the world telling me that literature was meant to be mine..and it would fill that internal void which science could not..

but today that feeling was more intense..dont know why but i asked myself IS THERE STILL TIME TO SET THINGS RIGHT ?

is there still time to satisfy the creative me inside ? it has lost its touch..all that time i was cramming those scientific equations and solving those already proved problems...this talent slowely attained dormancy..

i had strongly believed that i could still wake them up..but now i feel instead f sleeping..they seem to be numb..they seem to be dead...

i don't really feel like being party to the blame game f accusing the education system...but can anybody tell me who is it to blame....ME ? that i could not make a decision at the right time ? when was the right time ? we were all told that people who scored high were scholars and were made to be either docs or engineers ..i wsnt a born rebel...

IS IT RIGHT TIME TODAY ? when i have made a decision and steering my life the way i wanted to..but find myself incapable or the time too late to hone wat was there in me always...

huh...

i wonder if i have added to the count of so called talented intelligentia ..creatively dorment OR the creatively barren ...

THE SO CALLED DISCARDS OF THE FACTUAL SYSTEM OF EDUCATION...wonder wat i would have been if i never scored that 95% and would hv neva felt like working for it again and yet again...i would hv had time to be a crazy girl i was at first ..painting ,splashing colours,singing, writing poems :)

that stupid aimless fighting over marks has left me here stranded to fight for my own self ...

and i still wonder after this long boring write up..is there still time ? can i still make it up for those lost years ? can i still let my original creativity peep out of this all facts persona .....wonder how charles dickens knew it long before..wonder i had read him long before .......

INTROSPECTIONS.........

Reading the blogpost f one f t ppl i appreciate i just happened to ponder over the thoughts buried deep down in my mind..all these days away from home i wud confess my conscience has been giving me a tuff time indeed.. ..

day to day confusion, arguments , disagreements ,misunderstandings......everything boils down to one basic question...WAS EVERYTHING ALWAYS LIKE THIS ? OR I HAVE JUST STARTED NOTICING IT ?

for me a life away from home was not only an escape to a world away from the workfront where i was known not as myself but as my mom's daughter ...but also to a place where i wanted to face a challenge of carving out my own identity .. uptil now i feel it is a really hard task..

i have started to notice small things which were missing in my life from years and strangely i did not notice them.unfortunately they pierce my heart like anything and somehow i feel broken at the end f the day..

.mindlessly tryng to be a frontrunner has left me handicapped in more than one ways.it has left me friendless to one extent.i cant outrightly say that there is a complete absence of such people. there r infact few souls who continue to accept me t way i am and r in the permanent list of t supportsystem i call it..they are the people who motivate me to hold on to my quest even when i lose hope... the thing is about people around me with whom i am expected to be friendly and accept them with all their follies and the spades they hold in their hidden hands..the fear of getting hurt or being cheated has to be kept aside at the cost of a reason..a reason to escape the old tabboo of being friendless ..its been always with me ..i cud never mask my true feelings fr somebody if i didnt approve f that person i wud never approach ... but now i happen to come across so many ppl who never approve of people who they call their best friends.always find it hard to digest why ppl fake it...
i used to come back home last few years only to tell the tales to mom..and suddenly i realize now i m away from this sweet patient listener,,,,my friend who always had solutions to everything to keep me calm..

as i walk out of her shelter in a world of my own . i stumble.....its difficult to survive when u r determined to keep urself as your own unique self without succumbing under the pressure of so called friends.. but i manage to do it now...
i m at my new place to be what i always wanted to be..and nothing can stop me... these fluctuations of temper and petty depressions..i will soon win over..
i believe....
i will be....
myself... soon :)

of satisfaction .......

hey ! back to my cherished blog..
its really hard to hold back writing wen emtions r overwhelming ...really missing this facility back in clg..
so, its my first experience away from home .i feel a few months and lots f things coming my way..it wud be wrong not to be greatful for being granted the dream f my life..freedom as i always desired is in the air. happy is my soul and satisfied i am since all the risky decisions r finally turning right.
now i realize that we always dream about better things not realizing what they bring with them.i must confess i always prayed for this aspect of freedom and a reputed univ but never really valued things which i was getting back at home at the cost of all this..a new place is still an alien land to me.
unable to understand ppl is a confusing situation.u happen to live with them 24x7 but still unable to unmask them.i sit on my couch tryng to figure out ways to keep up my spirits...to keep on walking on a path i have paved for myself....
its great wen u dont have any milestones to achieve..no standars to fit into..
its complete freedom...
my thoughts r free...
my spirits unstoppable...
my happiness unbound...
its really fun to have taken up a persuit which matched my inner instincts....loving literature...
its seeping down into me....

looking at life s it unfolds a new chapter...something i always looked for...ultimate satisfaction of my soul...god wud be smiling up there to see His wicked child contended finally :):)

THE OTHER SIDE OF GLORY....................

it was a luvly feeling being present at every annual day all my school n clg life , making ur parents proud.....and pumping ur intellectual ego..
who thought those firm landmarks would ever become parameters of judgement..u wud always b leading ur life to be something u always were...
how satisfying wud b the life of an average student..getting scolded wudhave been tough in the earlier days but how comforting it wud b to c ppl expecting nothing out f u .....
funny feeling....always feeling wat the other person has will bring more happiness than wat is already with us...
human mind....

Its all over me......
its taking me in...
this darkness of oblivion
its so scary......

i free my mind...
i win my soul..
but it is there..
still somewhere....
DARKNESS of obLIviON

not what i always wanted...
not what i worked for...
not what i longed for...


fettering my flights....
clouding my thoughts...
snatching my hope
leaving me lost.........
DArknESS oF obLIviON

thought the worst was over.
i could again win over..
it happened so sudden..
m dying under t burden...


Hold my hand...
walk along...
take me out.........
i cant hold on long...
its breaking me....
DArkNEss Of obLIviON

find myself on the cross...
struggling to escape....
this ceaseless conflict...

O'LORD
make me realize.....
the 'unknown'WIthIN...
rescue my soul......

DArkNEss Of ObLIviON....

no matter who we are, where we're going, or where we've been, we all struggle. everyone has battles. everyone, at one time or another, faces the every moment, to day, to year, trials of existence. such is life.sometimes simple. sometimes complicated. when we wake up with challenges, we wake up with choices. to either overcome all that holds us down by going against what opposes us - or to continue sitting quietly in the foul stench of our own shit, while at the same time surendering ourselves to dear and failure. life shifts, spins, and relocates. as we do. we all have the ability to switch our fear of failure into an energy to overcome any trial. just a sure as we all have a spine.

It is not the critic who counts; Not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; Who strives valiantly; Who errs, and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; But who does actually strive to do the deeds; Who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; Who spends himself in a worthy cause; Who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worse, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

- Theodore Roosevelt

“There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.”
 
Anthony de Mello